This is a pretty good attention grabbing opener--it presents a graphic illustration of how he now is

Notice the "Essay Form" :)

Good kernel sentence--notice it is put in the LAST sentence of the introduction

This paragraph is OK, but notice that it is missing specific "story examples" that SHOW how he was. I'd like to see at least one, preferably two stories in here. (This might mean multiple paragraphs to develop the Once side)

Nice start to paragraph.

I like that this side has more examples. I see three--riding the bus, moving out, workplace incident. The best example/stories are SPECIFIC (like the restaurant example)

This conclusion is ok. I don't think it goes deep enough into what is the real "emergent truth" and that seems to be his growing independence from his father. It makes me want to hear more about him in the Once side and more about the moving out incident.

Example Once I Was Essay   (with comments)        

"You Suck-- what?! I said you suck! Look at me, Son. I said LOOK AT ME!" As the ball snaps, I continue on with my mad rantings to the running back from my middle linebacker position. It’s fourth and one in the last minute of the fourth quarter, and we’re up by six. All we have to do is stop them here and we win. The Quarterback drops back. I'm on a blitz, and he sees me coming like a scud missile. He gives the ball to the tail back, and before he can take two steps, I drop him like a bad habit. Standing over him, I let him know what an utter disappointment he and his team are, “You think a piece of trash like you can come here and beat us in our own house? ANSWER ME BOY! You suck, ya know that? Get your sorry tail off my field. Sukka." I was a very shy kid, believe it or not, but now I am more mature.                  

I used to be shy and timid.  I would avoid crossing the street and stuff, just to avoid having people look at me. I often spoke very softly.  Straining their ears to understand me, “Speak a little louder, please, "was a common phrase people would say when I answered them in my little mouse voice.  Even during my high school years, I struggled with this problem.  Though I was bigger than most people, I had an inferiority complex.  I would not look people in the eye.  I think that a lot came from my dad.  He used to make me be very respectful.  I was taught to avoid conflict at all costs.  That kind of mentality was good for a child, but the effects of it carried over to my young adulthood.  I had trouble realizing how I had to address people I considered adults.  I had to realize that I too was an adult, and that I didn't have to address everyone as if they were my father.

Now I am more mature.  I consider myself a young man.  I take care of myself and do what I have to do to make a way for myself.  For example, I ride the bus.  I have to stand out in plain view of many cars.  Sometimes I have to call a cab.  I've had to make my way on many occasions in my life.  During the summer of my senior year, I moved out.  I left my house and stayed in a hotel.  I spent 1000 dollars to stay in a hotel for a month.  I supported myself for an entire month.  I did every thing for myself.  I shopped for groceries by the bus.  If I had to so much as buy a stamp, I would catch the bus to the post office.  It made me feel good to do things for myself.  My new level of maturity reflects in my workplace, as well.  I always try to remain non-confrontational, but sometimes it is unavoidable....  For instance, I was cleaning up one night, and I happened to knock over something onto one of the cooks section.  As the plastic container fell, it was as if it was slow motion.  He looked up at me and ranted," The next time you knock something over in my section, I'm going to knock you out!"  At first I had nothing to say.  I simply stood there, as I felt my blood begin to boil within my veins.  In times past I would have not said anything; this was not the past.  I angrily let loose all of my frustration, in a very professional way.  I went to the manager and told him everything.  By taking a stand, and being confrontational, the conflict was resolved.       

When I was a kid, I spoke and acted like a kid.  I was too shy to confront anyone, and too passive to take a stand for myself.  That has all changed with time.  Now I am the antithesis of my former self.  Very outspoken, I will not hesitate to let my opinions be known.  I have found that life requires one to take a stand--because if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything.