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Some of My Favorite Jokes

From my email

1.You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4.You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

5.You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

6.You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.

7.You start using smileys in your snail mail.

8.You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word such as in processor.com

9. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

10.You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

11.You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

12.You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.

13. You tell the cab driver you live at: http://1000.garden/house/brick.html

14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

15. After reading this list, you immediately copy and paste it into an e-mail to a friend.

From Jay Leno's headlines, spring, 1998

Said Jay: This was in the paper, but its not technically a headline. I'm gonna read it to you. This is from the Alameda County DA's office. This is a transcript from a murder trial; just thought I'd read it to you.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. It's absolutely true [from] last week.

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

"Did you listen to the heart?"

"No."

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk . . . But I guess it's possible he could have been out there practicing law somewhere.

Coast Guard Humor From the Reader's Digest

Dead ahead, through the pitch black night, the captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."

"Change yours ten degrees west" came the reply.

The captain responds, "I'm a United States Navy Captain! Change your course sir!"

"I'm a Second Class Petty Officer, United States Coast Guard," the next message reads, "Change your course, sir."

The captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

"I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Another Lawyer Joke

Why are behavioral scientists thinking of using lawyers instead of rats for their experiments?

1) There are more lawyers than rats to work with.
2) Lawyers do more harm to society than rats.
3) Lab assistants are less likely to become emotionally attached to the lawyers.
4) Rats have an innate right to life and liberty.
5) Animal rights groups will not object to a lawyers' torture.
6) There are some things even a rat won't do.

Bin Laden's Paradise

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, idiot. What did you think I said?"

Updated 8/28/06 by Maria Garcia -- - HyperclassHotmail.com | English Dept. | SAC | Top